That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize