made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
