My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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