I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
should my penis look like a turkey
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was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
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Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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