God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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