I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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