i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
