I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I deserve this hangover.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
