definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
