From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
