wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
