i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
