I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
