if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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