omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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