Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
