I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
