xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
