Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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