You really coming over, don't trick.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
