hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
