I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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