i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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