Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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