Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
