I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
