I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There's always time for handjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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