I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
