I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
