Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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