i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.