Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.