life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.