have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
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Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?