Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.