Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
