Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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