I can't breathe out the right side of my face
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He felt like a one man threesome
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
