so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
this beer tastes like vomit already
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
