just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I forget how to act sober
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize