god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
