Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We are all done wearing pants today
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.