she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
