I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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