i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
