I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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