You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
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you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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