3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
