I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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