Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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