Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
