i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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