Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
