Can i not drive my cunt home
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
